My relationship with a pen and brush is often very complicated. Sometimes I spend much attention to these tools and love to create something with them. I can draw or paint something beautiful, wicked, sick or funny. There can also be long periods when I leave these tools without any attention. When this period gets too long, images of angry tools start to haunt me in my mind. I start feeling quilty: I haven't worked for enough for this particular relationship.

My life has so much things I do, and even more things that I should do. I demand a lot things from myself. I have a one kind map in my head, which shows many aims I currently have. Some of them are things that waits for me after few years. I have also plans that I imagine to happen after about 10 years. And I have to wake up myself time to time, to do something that those things really will happen. Of course I know that rushing things wouldn't help me. That's why I don't want to think that time is against me. I rather think that it's not at anyone side. It just is.

Maybe it's a good thing that these tools of creativity are the only things that ask much time from me. I can't be absolutely sure about it, but relationship with a human could be too much. I could leave her without attention too easily. I should have time create things with her too. It would be great, but I wonder if it's right to start to create something if you arent't sure how much you can afford time for it? What if relationship with a women destroys my relationship with tools of creativity? Am I ready to pay that price for love?

I don't have to know these answers. I just want to be honest to myself. The truth is, that previous relationships have killed my creativity for the time being. Love and happiness havent't inspire me to draw or paint. At least not yet. A sarcastic voice inside me says that I need relationship for another reason. When it falls apart, creativity of me rises from the ashes with furious anger. Then I'm ready to do works with full arsenal of emotions. Who's going to break my heart? Next!

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